I-K-E spells L-O-V-E.

I went to Oyster Creek Park today, and ran into two sweet ladies. Somehow we started talking about the aftermaths of hurricane Ike. As they told me about their homes and the thousands in Houston still without electricity and running water, I realized they spoke with a sort of melancholy and sympathetic, almost depressing, tone. And their tone (and hips) tell no lies - there's a reason why they call it a natural disaster. I didn't want to burst their bubbles, but looking back on these past 5 days since Ike has made it's rather quick but effective entrance and leave, I have seen more 'good' around me than I've seen here my entire summer.

I was actually somewhat disappointed when the electricity to the house came back on Sunday night. I'm about 56/44 introvert/extrovert (at least that's what Meyers-Briggs tells me), but I very much (maybe too much) enjoyed the solitude that ensued Ike's arrival: the disconnect from the rest of the world, the absence of the ceaseless background "noise" -- music, radio, tv -- and, heaven forbid, the freedom from our lifelines to the rest of the world: cellular devices and the world wide web. I admit it was hard finding things to do at times, but I guess that's the sad part. How much we fill our time with electronics, events, filling our brain with useless information...instead of sitting down and just being still. Just being there with family or with people or simple things like reading a book or writing. It reminded me so much of my 6 weeks in Mokattam..

Despite the devastating effects on Galveston area and communities near the coast, I have ironically seen so much good and love amidst the fallen trees, powerlines, billboards, and excess water. Taking a walk around the neighborhood, it was so nice just seeing who my neighbors were, and not just for the few seconds from their house to their car. I got to see them within the context of their family and loved ones. I guess it made them more humane. Not machines. Not just "the people next door". It was good hearing children playing outside, or helping out with the yardwork, and seeing neighbors help each other clean up the wind damages. It was good to see families, not just the dad coming back from work, or the children playing by themselves in the driveway. Our neighborhood was so alive. I saw so much community. So much love. More smiles on faces and laughter than I've seen ever since moving here.

I guess it's just sad how God sometimes needs to bring natural phenomena like this to prove that He is real. That there is something bigger than man. Nature and its powers put humanity back in its place. Lowers our much-too-high egos in a nation that is so used to everything coming as easy and as quick as possible, in a nation so developed it can send men to the moon and cure diseases...things that once were thought of as impossible to overcome. I guess it's his way of finally screaming in our deaf ears that He is present, that He is God and that we are not. And His way of forcing us to step back, even if for a day only, to see his beauty in silence, to appreciate the things we take for granted, to stop being so event- and task-driven and more relationship-oriented and loving. To see his beauty and his power in both the natural physical effects of Ike as well as the relationships, joys, strengths, and hope that ensue. I guess it's his only way of arousing a deaf world. Of bringing out the simple things in life that we should see everyday within our community. Thanks God, for putting a little fear in us. The right kind of fear.

And maybe I'm just saying all this because my house wasn't flooded and no one was hurt except for minor wind damages to house... but I saw God this weekend. I met him behind every fallen tree, every dark and powerless house, every family cleaning their yard, and every moment of my much-needed solitude.

How Did You Do It, Peter?

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me, the way that you do
I'm gonna' walk through the valley if you want me to

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
I will go through the fire if you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear your answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through
I will go through the valley if you want me to.





If only these words would speak truthfully from my heart.
I'm sorry, God.

Get yourself together, Jenn. It's time to grow up. And let go. Stop living in the past and trying to understand things that God doesn't you to know about yet. And embrace the present. There are so many more important things to set your mind on.

Ha, if only I was that strong.

The only medicine that can cure me is within reach, but I can't get myself to walk to the store.

I'm Tired of Trying to Think of a Title that Sounds Good.

Driving down the interstate to Austin or La Quinta beach, windows down, blaring Brad Paisley, scorching sun on my skin, wind in my face, nothing in front of me but the flat Texas road and clear blue skies.



Standing outside of Christina's dad's shop on the main street, 100 degrees, feet dirty, refreshed with the freshly squeezed mango juice, trying to take in everything all at once -- the biting yet familiar garbage scent, the men sitting outside on lawn chairs, eyes squinted, as relaxed and content as I'll ever be, the truckloads filled with garbage, the women sorting the organics from the rubber, the wide-eyed children yelling "What's your name?" in broken English, the smell from the bakery next door, and again, the garbage scent filling in all the white spaces inbetween.



Goosebumps forming as our naked bodies entered into the cold midnight water, the darkness covering our slight embarassment but the moonlight providing enough light to show our adrenaline rushing, our laughter ringing into the stillness, never feeling so free, knowing that this moment would be one that bonded us in a way that would last beyond leaving for college and beyond losing touch, beyond us going our separate ways.







Memories like these are the only things that are keeping me sane here. Or keeping me from going completely numb, or completely swallowed by this school. By the disappointments of lost friendships, or potential communities that care about each other more than they care about themselves or about their future career. There comes a point where efforts and energy are exhausted and proven futile when there is no response returned or when no fruit bears.



I don't know how God did it. How he put up with the Israelites, how he gave them second, third, hundredth chances. How many failures and disappointments he experienced, yet still unconditionally loved.



Amy put it well. I feel like a particle of dust, just floating through the air, and the only thing I'm clinging on to is. Well, I'd like to say God. But both He and I would know that's a lie. One of many that I tell myself.



I'm so exhausted. From memories, the ones that keep me going yet at the same time keep me hanging onto my past, keep me comparing it to things that are meant to be different. From people, the ones who I try to change or invest in or care or love, but it only brings me back to where I started. From thinking. From being disappointed. From placing such high expectations on people or things that I can't even expect out of myself. From knowing that the same God who calmed the seas and the provided manna to the Israelites is the same God living inside me, yet constantly not rejoicing or finding contentment in Him. From the routine here. From this school, how people are so driven and so consumed with themselves and their own lives that they don't bother or aren't willing to sacrifice for others, for things more important. And from seeing myself become more and more jaded, more sucked into this environment, more forgetting what I told myself I wouldn't become or how I wouldn't let disappointments and people here change the core of who I am. From God rooting out the worst in me, from Him continually revealing my selfishness, my emptiness, my masks, my sand castles that spend their time collapsing. From trying to put my thoughts into words. From doing things out of obligation. From trying so hard in one-sided friendships, telling myself that they'll last, or that they actually care back. From praying in Alice Millar or by the rocks, knowing in my head that He hears me, but not feeling it in my heart. From trying to think up of more things that are making me exhausted to add to this list.



I want to care, I want to cry, I want to scream. I just want to feel something. I want to feel free to be myself. I want to wear my crocs, blare and sing along to my country music without feeling patronized. I want friends that aren't afraid to have fun or sacrifice certain things or make an effort or take a risk of being vulnerable and honest. I want to be completely and totally consumed by my Savior, my God. I want to go hiking and camping. I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to be around my class without feeling awkward. I want to have guy friendships that don't end up awkward or broken. I want things to last beyond a quarter or beyond distance. I want to feel like I'm a part of something, like God placed me here for a reason. I want to tell people how much I love a certain thing about them without feeling awkward. I want to talk about things on my mind without being shot down. I want to be selfish, is that so selfish?

In Transit.

I think that the word “change” should be renamed into a more complex word. One with maybe 15+ letters. Then the clichéd word will be not-so-cliché anymore, and it will really capture the extent of which the word goes, and all that ensues. After a good 19 (almost 20) years of my life, I think I’ve finally met the word, after hearing about and catching brief glimpses of it for so long: its constancy, the pains and groans it causes, yet the joys and blessings it produces.

I remember throughout this entire past year at NU, I’ve hated – no, detested – everything that the word embodies. I fell back, naturally, on everything that defined me: Texas. And everything in it: friendships, comfort, environment, weather, childhood, culture. And what a comfortable fall it was, like I was flopping backwards onto a feathered bed with rose pedals. Like the ones you see in Mattress commercials.

But this summer I was betrayed. Betrayed by the thing I held dearest. Home betrayed me. How dare it change while I was gone! Without my permission, too. My room wasn’t the way I left it. Pictures were torn down, my brother’s workout bench right smack in the middle of where I kept my beaver rug. Before I knew it, I could no longer walk a few steps to Jason’s room to enjoy him rolling his eyes at me as I told him absurd and ridiculous things. I could no longer walk out and see my dad cleaning. I came back to home, but it didn’t feel like home. I’ve been only holding on to a memory. Five members of the family, each spread out in five different cities. Me, out of the only place I’ve ever felt so free in and into some cold, bi-polar, strange, big city, where they don’t have honkeytonks or southern hospitality.

Sure, I was expecting change. Friends change, seasons change, majors change. But I think that when something so rooted, constant, and dear is subject to change, that’s when it becomes a different word. When something so close to your heart that it seems like it’s what keeps your heart beating – when home changes, that’s the type of change that makes everything else seem like just a rattle or bump.

Change is so powerful. It makes you feel so small. And there’s only one other moment I can remember that has made me feel so small and insignificant, and that is when I’m face-to-face with earth. With God’s creation. Like laying under a sky of stars so numerous and beautiful that I don’t even know where to set my eyes, or standing waste-deep, sand between my toes, feeling the small waves almost knock me over, or when I witness a storm or a view so beautiful, so powerful, that it rids any athiest of any doubt of there being something greater or more powerful than human nature, knowledge, or intellect.

And so I think I got it. Change is so necessary. Like communication, or breathing, or presence is so necessary. I think Change is something God created to put man in his place. It is just like nature – uncontrollable and unpredictable. That our lives are to God like a blink of an eye. We are nothing. Without change, there will be no such thing as constancy. Like in The Count of Monte Cristo, true happiness can not exist without true desparation. Thus the very nature of God can not exist without the very nature of change. He never ceases to amaze me. Never ceases to strip away the things I fall back on so that I’ll replace it with Him. Over, and over, and over again.

I think this is why in the past 3 years since I’ve created this blog, I’ve only had 5 posts. I’ve always been reluctant to start a new one, no matter how many thoughts or ideas were teeming in my mind. Because with each new post or entry I make, it pushes the older ones down. It is proof that time really is ticking, that change really is happening.

So I’m learning how to handle it. God’s teaching me how to embrace it. And still learning the grooves, the dusty crevaces, the sharp turns around corners, the smooth surfaces and sharp edges of transition. Sometimes I like it, when it alters my way of thinking, of switching my priorities, of putting the important over the urgent. When I find so much joy in the simplest things. But often it feels like Hell. Cause I want to hold on. But that’s so selfish. The biggest danger on this earth is to think that everything is about you. What and who are we if our friends are not around to bring out the best or the worst in us, if we aren’t in a familiar setting surrounded by familiar faces, if our knowledge or looks or talents don’t mean a thing? What will we look like when we’re naked, stripped of everything we’ve gained or learned on this earth, and only left with our own hearts and conscience?


I’m trying, God. I’m trying to find my joy and my hope in You. To not let my moods or my happiness or my satisfaction be determined by my ever-fluctuating relationships, by my disappointments and unmet expectations, by human love, or by my image to others. I want to fall in love with You.





And of course, can't have a post without images. I'll limit it to one this time. :)


Better when we're together..

America's Next Big Techno Hit

(If it's lagging, click here.)

Proof that I'm still alive and well. =)

Love and Love and Happy Afternoons

(turn on your speakers)

Before I start, I'd like to give a big thanks to Meridian for providing RK and Mae the smallest possible room capacity to perform. And, ofcourse, an even bigger thanks to TicketMaster for making it so incredibly hard to purchase tickets. Golly, you guys are truly the best.

And ahh - most importantly - thank you to Vans for planning the Warped Tour '05 to come to Houston right smack on the 25th, one day before I'm back from Sweden and Washington.
I am absolutely devastated. And bitter. And I don't want to talk about it anymore.

So first off, I guess I should update you with a few events and news. And I'll post some pictures just so that it won't feel naked.

It's a little late for this, but congratulations to John and Grace Lin :)

The Mokakas at the wedding.

My brother and I enjoyed the weather and the flowers in our yard that only bloom once a year. =)



And ofcourse, here's a tribute to my dad, who's pink swim shorts that hangs in our garage has been seen by literally everyone. =)



This seems like a century ago, but here's the Rockets vs. Kings game.

The TAFE State trip to Dallas was great! =) Except the fact that we had to ride 5 hours in a freaking YELLOW BUS.

Mitchell Me Ben Nate


Mitchell me Cindy

Aaaaaannd that's enough for now, due to the fact that I stopped taking pictures with my camera because, well, it sucks. I swear it has a negative number of pixels.
Anyway, track season is almost finished, and things are getting pretty busy with school and summer and DAH!! But nevertheless, junior year so far has been absolutely rad<3.>

Okay here it goes. I'm not going to beat around the bush, cause frankly, I am emotionally and spiritually drained. These past few months have been a constant struggle between me only God knows what. I was clearly - and indeed still am - incredibly and easily annoyed with every person or thing or idea or action that I came across, and about 95% of me turned into an antisocial hermit angry at the world. But, ahh, that is not the worst part, for I was not in that first state of denial. I knew what was going on, and this awareness slowly sneaked up behind me and caused me to doubt the existence of the one thing I thought I had so much of: Control. And all the things that came with Control -- discipline, independence, discretion, and - most importantly - faith. I took a good look around me, and all I could see what everything I hated. And the more I tried to overcome it, the deeper I fell into frustration. I lost my grip on all the satisfaction I had found in Inconsistency.

We constantly try to gain all the glory, awe, and recognition we can possibly receive through Man's eyes. But there's a catch. We leave the world the same way we came into it. Absolutely naked - stripped of all the wealth, possessions, pride, and recognition that we've tried so hard to obtain. It doesn't matter anymore how many A's you got, or what college you went to, or the money you get, or the number of relationships you've had, or how nice of a car you have, cause when you die, it all goes to someone else. SO WHAT GOOD IS IT FOR MAN TO GAIN THE WORLD, YET FORFEIT HIS OWN SOUL?

I've got a ticket pending on eternity, but I keep losing it. My heavy heart is burdened with doubt. I fear Man instead of God. And I'm sorry God. I try so hard to surrender everything to You. I spend my time dwelling in my own dreams and wants and judgements and worry that I miss out on the genuine meaning of love and truth. Everything is so insignificant compared to You. So once again, I'm handing myself over, sincerely asking you to take control. Let me know that You love me, and let that be enough.

a white (and sandy) CHRISTmas

Happy Birthday, Jesus! :)

An Undivided Heart.
First off, Winter Getaway was absolutely amazing. Casey Cease is by far one of my favorite speakers. I miss it so much already! The football, the 5-people-crammed-in-a-room, the FOOD, the singing, the campfire, the toilets, the mosquitos, the beauty, the freedom, and the beautiful power of God. I can't put much more of how amazing the getaway was into words, but here's a few pictures:




Me and Lydierrrr (emo!)


Hahaha. Tiffany looks like a goose. This is us attempting to do the Zoolander pose.


Casey Cease and John Lin.



Planoians and Augustans?
Lyida Fu and Ishita Das came back to their motherland to visit! Hope to see you suckers soon =)


Ishita Pinky Das and I. =)




a white-ish-green christmas.
Well, it's been at least a year since I've seen snow. Because my mom's in HK, my brothers, my pops, and I had a blast! This past semseter I've come to appreciate my family a butt-load more. And it feels grrrreat. =)
the mokakas.


the clan.

us and pops =)


Mr. Joe


Sledding! And it was great. It almost beat the time when we went dog-sledding in Alaska. Haha, NOT! But it was still fun, although our orange sled-string broke.



traleumokungs <3 Flinch Williams. GG McNeener. BB Wellington. Pip Johnson.
The gang-bang ORGY PORGY!







Matching undies. Could life get ANY better?!!

That's enough pictures for now, folks. Afterall, I don't want to exceed my bandwidth. Haha, actually, I don't know what that is, but I know it's something to do with pictures.

And alas, I have made my New Years Resolutions!
1. Make God my number 1 priority and do devotions daily
2. Go to 24 daily
3. Manage my time wisely and budget my money
4. Guitar daily. My pansy fingers are in pain, so I need to toughen up these bad boys.
5. PATIENCE.
There's actually more, but these are my top dogs. I really hope I can keep up with them. And golly gee, I am thrilled that school has now started.

Chow.